How to Stop Judging Ourselves and Others: A Step-by-Step Guide

How many times have you felt judged this week? I’d imagine at least once. Judgment and criticism pop up all the time, often without us noticing. We make a mistake and feel flooded with shame, thinking “what is wrongwith me?!” We see someone doing something we would never do and think, “what is wrong with them?!” It is almost as if we believe that critical judgment is just the natural state of our thoughts, and that there isn’t any getting away from it. 

I don’t think this is true. In fact, I know it isn’t. 

I have been guilty of critical judgments in my life, both toward myself and others. My father, on the other hand, seems almost incapable of judging other people. I’ve always joked that the only thing he would judge you for is being judgmental. 

Because I’ve seen someone live a life without harshly criticizing others, I know that it is possible. I also know that the ways in which we make value judgments about ourselves, and others, can be incredibly damaging to our sense of self and our relationships. I’ve spent the last few years working hard on this in myself and with clients, and I can report from first-hand experience that change is possible here.

Our society is full of unreasonable expectations and encourages us, from birth, to judge and criticize ourselves and others. We internalize these expectations and even when we know they aren’t real or helpful, we apply them to everyone. We know how badly it feels when someone is critical of us, and yet we often participate in it without even realizing it.

Whenever we engage in this kind of judgment and criticism, it plunges us into a negative space; one where it becomes difficult to feel true joy or to move forward in an authentic way. Even when we take momentary pleasure in feeling superior to someone else, that placing of unrealistic expectations upon others always ends up backfiring when we make our own mistakes. We think that our initial reaction to something is fact. 

The thing is, though, thoughts are not facts. 

Feelings are not facts. Opinions are not facts. One way to move away from judgments is to understand the difference between what we think about a situation, and what is actually happening in that moment. 

So, how does it work?

 When you notice yourself in the midst of a judgment, take a moment and step back. Ask yourself: what is really happening here? List what is going on, what you are thinking, what expectations you have in that moment, and what you are feeling, without assigning value to any of it. 

Here’s an example: you make a mistake at work and think “I am the worst! I am so stupid! How could I have done this? Everyone is going to see how stupid I am now.” 

STOP. Step back. Ask yourself what’s happening. 

Here’s how you can list it out: “I made a mistake. I’m thinking that I’m stupid and that everyone is going to be so disappointed in me. My expectations were that I be perfect and not make mistakes. I’m feeling ashamed, sad, and angry at myself.” 

Do you see the difference? You are not stating that you are stupid, only that you’re thinking that are. You separate the thought from the judgment. 

Next, you add some empathy. 

Part of having empathy is getting curious. Get curious about why you’re feeling this way, and once you understand, show yourself some empathy. You say to yourself “I made a mistake, and that feels really embarrassing. The expectations I put upon myself are unrealistic. Feeling this way is really hard for me.”

And finally, you ask how you can take care of yourself.

“I’m feeling embarrassed and regretful right now. What will help me to move forward?” Maybe the answer is some deep breaths and a reset. Maybe it’s to address the expectations associated with the judgment. Whatever it is, take a moment to see how you can care for yourself in that moment so you can move through the discomfort.  

Those are the steps: stating the facts without judgment, leaning into curiosity and empathy, and moving toward action. It works with judgments of others also. 

Here’s an example for when you’re judging someone else:

Say you see someone, and they’re dressed in a way that seems weird to you. You automatically think “yikes, that person is a mess! Gross!” 

STOP! You’re judging. Let’s take step back. 

List the facts: “I saw someone who is dressed in a way that doesn’t fit with my version of ‘normal’. It made me feel uncomfortable because it’s different. My expectations are that everyone dress in a way that fits what society has prescribed. I was thinking that the way they are dressed makes them a mess or gross.”

Lean into curiosity and empathy: “I wonder what that person feels about how they’re dressed. Perhaps they really like to be dressed that way. Perhaps they’re having a hard day. What someone is wearing doesn’t define who they are. It must feel pretty bad to have people staring at you and judging you.” 

Move to action: “I’m going to think more about why I judged this person for what they’re wearing, and I’m going to spend time understanding it so I can make a different choice next time.” 

The next time you notice yourself stuck in judgment, try these steps and see how it makes you feel. Notice if it makes a difference in how you approach the situation. 

At first, this can feel awkward and take a while, but, as with everything else that is new, the more you practice it, the easier it gets. After a while, you’ll start to notice that you automatically move to empathy and often don’t have to go through the judgment portion at all. 

Imagine a world where you’re not wasting time in the toxic mess of self-criticism and outward judgment. Imagine all the negative energy you would avoid, and the time you’d have to focus on something that makes you feel infinitely better. Imagine a life full of curiosity and understanding.

That’s the goal, I’d say. Making these changes in how we look at ourselves and others is one step toward it. 

Want to work on yourself and your goals with me as your Coach? Try a free coaching session and see if it’s for you!