Feeling Resentful? Ask Yourself These Three Questions
My husband and I have been together for over 15 years and we have what I would consider a successful relationship. We love each other, we respect each other, we make each other laugh, and even after a full year in quarantine with two children, we haven’t tried to kill each other once. We are, however, human, and that comes with some difficulties. At times in our relationship, particularly since we’ve had children, I have felt pretty resentful. I’m sure he has too.
This has historically presented itself as: me, rage-washing the dishes and having angry internal “gotcha” conversations with him in my head. There have been times when resentment has built up so much it’s hard to see around. There was a time when I allowed resentments to pile, one on top of the other, until there was the inevitable spill-over that turned into an argument. But here’s what I realized: being full of resentments feels awful, and I don’t want to feel like that. I want to have my needs met, I want to be respected, and I want to be able to let things go.
Resentment is something that is difficult to avoid in relationships all together. Not only in romantic relationships, but in professional ones, familial ones, and friendships as well. People do things we don’t like, and when they do them repeatedly it can be hard not to let the negative emotions start to fester. This can become an exhausting cycle: we let the resentments build and build until one day we snap, have an argument, and let the steam out. Then the process starts all over again.
What if there was a different way to move through resentment? That’s what I asked myself a while back. I don’t like being resentful. It doesn’t feel good, and I don’t really like who I am when I’m full of resentment. It’s like having an angry little demon taking up space in my head. So, in order to change the way I related to resentment in my relationship (and in turn in many of my other relationships), I decided to take a look at what I could do differently.
After some research, much trial and error in my own life, and through the work I’ve done with clients, I’ve come up with some questions that may just help you the next time you feel the resentment demon start jumping up and down in your mind.
When you first start noticing that resentment is building, stop and ask yourself these three questions:
Who am I resentful towards?
Sometimes when I’m resentful and mad at my husband, he’s not actually the culprit (don’t tell him that though). Sometimes I’m stressed or anxious about something else, and so everything is bothering me more. Sometimes what he’s doing is annoying, but my reaction isn’t quite equal to the situation. Sometimes he really is doing something that is not okay with me, and I need to tell him about it. The point here is to take time to think it through before you decide what to do next.
Am I expressing myself and how?
Nine times out of ten I’m resentful partly because I have let things build up without standing up for my needs. This doesn’t mean that I take responsibility for someone else’s treatment of me, but it does mean that it is my job to be clear and assertive about my needs and my expectations. If there is something that bothers me, I try to communicate it clearly, quickly, and calmly (calm is more important than quick so if you need a moment to calm down, take it!). The more I’m clear about what I need, what I won’t accept, and what I expect from people, then less resentment has a chance to take root.
What systems are at play here?
Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie wrote that “…when there is true equality, resentment does not exist.” So, when resentment is present, true equality is not. We must ask ourselves why. What systems of oppression might be working in this relationship that are impacting your experience within it? In my marriage, Patriarchy plays a big role when resentment picks up. Patriarchy is a system in which both my husband and I were raised, and even though both of us have spent purposeful time trying to remove it from our marriage, it will always be an ongoing process.
Sometimes my resentment comes from all the ways that I am expected (by society, by family, by my own internalized expectations) to do and be more as a parent than he is. When I realize this is at play, it helps me to know how to move forward. Often, some education is needed. He doesn’t know what he doesn’t know, and I may have to explain why what he is doing triggers a feeling of oppression in me. He has also needed to take time to educate himself, so that I’m not always doing the explaining. When we acknowledge and address the systems at play in our relationships, it helps to untangle them and know how best to move forward.
What can I change to make this situation better for me?
Sometimes we are resentful because someone is doing something that is not acceptable. Sometimes we are holding onto resentments that only serve to hurt us. Whatever the situation, there is always something we can do to address the resentment itself. Maybe we need to speak up for ourselves and set some boundaries. Maybe we need to work on letting go of something from the past. Maybe we need to channel our righteous anger into action against a system that is causing us pain. Whatever it is, doing something can have a freeing effect. The moment we speak up, speak out, and take control of our own agency, the resentment begins to dissipate. We often need the actions of others as well, but it always helps to start with what we can do to help ourselves.
Once you have the answers to these questions, you can create a plan to move forward. There is an old saying, attributed to many, that holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die from it. So, I encourage you not to drink the poison. I encourage you, as always, to start asking yourself some questions and then to act. We can’t always present that little resentment demon from taking up residence in our brains, but we absolutely have the power to evict it.
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