A Letter to My Teenage Self: What I Wish I'd Known Then, What I Want Teens To Know Now

I found this picture of me as a teenager, and I started thinking about her. I say her because she truly feels like a different person, one to whom I wish I could tell so many things. The more I learn and grow, the more I end up thinking, “wow, imagine if I knew this at 16!” So I decided to write her a letter with some of the things I wish I could say to her, and that I want to say to every teenager out there…

Dear Teen Me, 

Oh honey, I know it’s hard. There is so much going on, inside and outside you, and it feels overwhelming almost every day. I know that it all feels like too much, and that’s because it is. What you have to deal with right now isn’t fair, and I won’t say that it “makes you the amazing woman you will be”, because it shouldn’t be happening at all. When I think about you, I just want to grab you in my now-a-mama’s arms and tell you it’s all going to be ok. 

In a way, I would be telling the truth. I can tell you that if you just keep going, you will get to a place where your home life is safe and loving. You will get to a place where you not only accept yourself, but you love yourself fiercely. What I cannot tell you is that it will be easy.

There will be times when you think you’re going to want to give up. There will be times when you’re full of joy and laughter. You will spend years worrying about money; paying bills only after they’ve been shut off. You’ll work so very hard. Your heart will be broken, and you’ll break a heart or two along the way. You will have to learn so much to break free of the patterns and systems that are pressing down upon you now. But you will learn them, you will grow, you will create something beautiful, I promise. 

Here are the things I wish you could know now, Teen Me, so that you wouldn’t have to learn them the hard way: 

You deserve your own love and respect right now, exactly as you are. You are not perfect, and that is because perfection isn’t a goal, it’s a tool of oppression. Spending hours and days and years hating yourself, wishing yourself into a different body, starving and denying yourself, none of them will work. Your body will grow and shrink and grow again, no matter what you eat or don’t eat. The key isn’t forcing your body into a shape that someone else deems acceptable, it’s loving yourself with that Radical Self-Love that Sonya Renee Taylor talks about. Your body is amazing, your mind is powerful, and you are exactly who you are supposed to be. Enjoy every moment of yourself, as you grow and change; enjoy it. 

Boundaries are your friend. You do not need to be all things to all people, and you don’t ever have to accept abuse. The sooner you start setting boundaries and demanding respect, the more time you’ll save in pointless arguments and resentments with those around you. 

Value and put energy into your friendships. Many of the friends you have right now will still be your friends twenty years later. Some friends you have yet to meet, but they will save your life over and over. Look for community wherever you go. Hold onto people who see you for who you really are and love you for it. Notice who is there for you and how. Focus on the relationships that are deep and supportive. True friendship is one of the most valuable things you’ll have in your whole life. 

Be yourself. Be your silly, smart, loud, audacious, sensitive, and loving self. Don’t be pretend-tough. Don’t act like you’re not hurt when you are. Be vulnerable and proud of it. Yes, that’s really scary, but it’s also the only way to set yourself free. The sooner you embrace, exalt in, and project who you really are to the world, the sooner you’ll get that freedom, and the more your relationships will deepen and expand. 

Trust your instincts. When you are creeped out by someone, listen to that and get away. When you think something is off with your body or your mind, listen to that and speak up. Your intuition is your guide through life, and though some will tell you to ignore it, I’m here to tell you it doesn’t steer you wrong. Listen. 

Keep reading. Keep learning. Never think you know it all, or that you know enough. There will be times when you feel stuck and reaching for more knowledge and understanding will be the key to getting you moving again. 

One day, your therapist will tell you that the skills you needed to survive what you’re going through right now no longer serve you, and you’ll need to learn a new way to live. Take that and run with it. For now, you need to survive. But in a few years, you’ll get to focus on thriving. Take the time to know the difference between survival tools and thriving tools.

You are doing the best you can with the hand you’ve been dealt, Teen me. You are so strong and brave. When I look at you, I feel the pain you feel, but also excitement for the amount of joy and adventure you have ahead of you. I know it’s scary, and there will be times when it feels pretty dark, but I can tell you this: in twenty-some years you’ll look back at the time between where you stand there and where you are now, and you’ll smile. You’ll smile because you remember the journey you took; you’ll smile because of how proud of yourself you are. 

You’re never going to arrive at “happiness”. You won’t get to some place where everything is exactly as you want it. Instead, you’ll come into the understanding that life is ever-changing and unpredictable. You’ll have to work hard at coming to terms with this, but when you do, it will set you free. Instead of working toward some unknown future that will be “good”, you’ll work on making your life the best it can be in the here-and-now. You’ll find joy and meaning in moments and you’ll invest in your own goals and dreams. You’ll feel love on a deeper level than you thought possible. You’ll be energized by your life’s purpose. That is a future far better than any you ever imagined.