Who Do You Love? If It's Not Yourself, This Might Help
Self-esteem has become such an overused phrase in recent years that we often forget just how central it is to how we feel on a daily basis. It’s not just self-esteem, though. It’s self-worth, a sense of who you really are. More than anything else, knowing oneself and honoring the truth of oneself allows an incredible freedom. When we are constantly trying to figure out who we are supposed to be, rather than delving into being in touch with you we truly are at our core, we cannot ever truly feel confident in our work or relationships. The more I have allowed myself to be me, the more I have gone inward to discover who that person is, without the pressures and opinions of the outside world, the freer I have become. And that freedom allows me to produce work that is meaningful to me, to connect with people at their cores and help them find that freedom for themselves.
The beginnings of our lives are all about watching the adults and other children around us to see how we are supposed to behave. Their cues and their example provide the blueprint for how people are “supposed” to move through the world. Depending on the kind of example you had, this can set you up for life in different ways. Children watch and learn. And a child feels about themselves the way that the adults around them communicate they feel about them. A child who is constantly criticized will inevitably have lower self-esteem than a child who is supported and encouraged. As we grow, we develop more of a sense of self, of individuality. Teenagers often want to be anything but like their parents or the adults in their lives. Often it is the opinions of their peers that shape their sense of self. But still, there is this sense that our worth is in what others see in us.
Once we become adults, we have the opportunity to begin to look inward. No longer do most of our physical survivals depend on the support of our parents or caregivers. Many adults become self-sufficient, yet we have spent our whole lives looking outward for acceptance, for approval. Without realizing the impact this has on us, we continue. We look to our friends, our bosses, our romantic partners for a sense of if we’ve made the grade. We look at social media and tv and hold ourselves up to their example, and continuously (because this is what it was designed for) find ourselves lacking.
It is only when we begin to seek that approval, acceptance, and support from ourselves that we truly begin to untangle ourselves from the opinions and judgements of others. We do not have to remain children desperately grasping at the approval of those around us.
Perhaps this is easy to say, but it is certainly not always easy to do. To make the leap to trusting yourself, knowing yourself, and letting go can be terrifying. Even though the opinions and judgments of others can often be painful, they become a sort of crutch. We want to be free of the hurt they cause, but we also yearn for their approval and admiration. Many of us can only feel okay, can only feel safe, if people in our lives (or even strangers) approve of us and how we live our lives. When you think about it, this is a terrifying way to live. The cause of most human fear is the lack of control, and what do we have less control over than the thoughts of others? No matter how hard we try, no matter how much we tie ourselves into knots trying to be “right” or “good” in the minds of others, it will never feel like enough. It’s a losing game.
So what can we do? How do we free ourselves from this? We spend the time and effort to truly get to know ourselves. Not the version we’ve decided is acceptable to the world, but our true selves. The you that you were on the day you were born, the you that has been shaped by your life experiences, the you that is at the very center of your being. That is the person who will live a full and meaningful life. A character can’t do that, an outfit can’t do that, a brand can’t do that, only you can.
It starts with setting the intention, and it continues through doing the work. The work of sitting down with yourself and really getting to know who you are at your core. Here is one exercise to try: set aside about 15-20 minutes every day for one week. During that time sit down with a journal or something to write with and ask yourself: who am I? Try to answer the question differently each day. The rules? No criticism, and no roles. Yes, you may be a mother/brother/lawyer but what we’re looking for is deep than what role you play in the world. Start with: “I am a person who…” Sit down and write whatever comes to mind. Take deep breaths. Allow whatever feelings arise to just roll through you, don’t try to change them. Think about what your core values are, what is most meaningful to you in life, what brings you joy. After this week, see if how you feel about yourself and who you are has changed or shifted.
Getting to know yourself is a process, and loving yourself is one too. To some of us, loving ourselves can feel like an impossible feat, but I promise you that it isn’t. It becomes possible by telling yourself every day that who you are is valuable, inherently, because you exist in this world. You do not need to perform to have value. You do not need to have approval to have value. You do not need to make a certain amount of money or wear a certain brand of clothing or accomplish what your parents expected of you. You, just you as a human being, are worthy of love. Of your own love first. And once you are able to give yourself that, you’ll be amazed at the love that pours in from others. That feeling is having high self-esteem, high self-worth, but it’s so much more than that. It’s freedom unlike anything you have felt before.
This is something that can be difficult to do alone. As a coach it’s something that I work on with my clients regularly so that they can be free to accomplish the goals that are truly meaningful to them. Coaching can give you the support, reflection, and exploration to help you along in that journey. The coach doesn’t do the work for you, but the coach can be a support and resource along the way. The work is worth it. The time is worth it. However you get there, whatever works for you, there is no time to begin like right now. And you? You are definitely worth it.
Want to work on building your self-love? Try a free coaching session with me!
