So, You Lost Your Cool With Your Kid(s): Some Tips on What to Do Next
It happens to the best of us. Heck, I bet it happens to all of us. You’re trying, you really are, but there are so many sounds, so much whining, so many frustrations one on top of the other, and you snap. You yell. You say something mean. You do what a “bad mom” does; what you never thought that you would do. Either immediately after, or after your heart has stopped pounding, the guilt and shame settle in. You look at your little, adorable, angel child (who just ten minutes ago was a bit of a demon) and think “how could I ever speak to them that way? That was awful. I’ve got to do better next time.”
As mothers we expect a lot from ourselves. Constant presence, playfulness, creativity, steadiness, strength, somehow being both Type A organized and easy going. We also expect ourselves to never get too angry, never lose it, never snap. Maybe we don’t remember our moms snapping, and so when we do it feels like a failure. Maybe our mothers were abusive, and anything outside of positive feels like it could be leaning toward the danger zone. Whatever our experience, most mothers have learned that if we make a mistake, if we speak to our children in anger, we have somehow failed.
Our society has done a good job of enforcing these expectations on us. Such a good job, in fact, that even when there is no one to judge or reprimand us, we do an excellent job of doing it ourselves. Parents, we have learned, are supposed to be calm, loving, and supportive no matter what. We’re supposed to always be able to utilize that understanding that children don’t know any better, even when our fight or flight response has been activated and our frontal lobes are no longer functioning. Somehow, we are supposed to be immune to anger and frustration.
Now, anyone who actually is a parent knows that this is just not true. My mantra of “mothers get to be human too” isn’t flippant; mothers are way too often expected to be super-human. We are not expected to feel and express a full range of emotions, and when we do, we are expected to feel guilt and shame. So, we yell at our kids, we snap and speak in a “mean voice” (as my children call it). And then, the shame spiral. It’s not a fun process, and it’s one I’d love for us to find a better way to navigate.
I have had plenty of my own shame-spiral moments. I’m a mother after all, a mother of two small children who has survived a year of pandemic living. I’ve had my moments. And when I do, I’ve started to approach them differently. One, I’m trying to live my daily life in a way that means I’m less burnt out, less overwhelmed, and therefore have less of these moments. This is important and has been incredibly helpful. But there is no amount of yoga or mantras that is going to make any mother immune to anger or frustration, no matter what Instagram might want to tell you. Even with all of the self-care in the world (and I’m a strong believer in self- and community-care), we will still lash out once in a while because, say it with me, “mothers are human too”.
So, since we are going to have our moments here and there, what can we do when they happen. Here are my suggestions, and I would love to hear what works for you!
1. Learn your triggers and notice when they’re happening. For me, too many sounds at once is a big one. I get sensory overload and I’m more likely to raise my voice. This has taught me that, for example, if I’m on a phone call or listening to something and then both kids start to talk to me at once, I need to hit pause on something, so I don’t get overwhelmed. I also have learned that bedtime is my worst time. I bet there are a lot of parents who feel the same. So, I have to be particularly mindful of how I’m feeling going into bedtime and be aware that it’s a danger zone for me. As with most things, being more aware and knowledgeable of what triggers us then helps us to build skills for coping around those triggers. The first step is paying attention and knowing what they are.
2. Figure out what helps to calm you down. Maybe it’s a deep breath (or ten). Maybe its jumping up and down. Maybe it’s turning some music on. Learn to notice when you’re getting activated and find what works for you to bring yourself out of being activated. For me, jumping up and down can help. Or saying out loud “Mommy is starting to get frustrated, let’s take a break here.” Dance parties, when there is space and time for them, are my favorite. Sensory stuff is wonderful too. Run water over your hands, grab the kids’ playdough, play with that kinetic sand. Getting out of your frontal lobe and into your feeling body helps give you a great reset. Pay attention to what works for you so that when you’re getting overwhelmed, you’ll know what to do.
3. Acknowledge what happened and apologize. So, you snapped, you said something mean, you used the mean mama voice. Say it. “I raised my voice just then and said something that was not nice. I wish I hadn’t done that and I’m sorry.” I think there’s an automatic tendency to want to defend ourselves and say “well if they weren’t being awful I wouldn’t have snapped.” This is true. Sometimes we snap because they are being awful. Kids can be the worst. But just like when they hit someone at school, we still have to take responsibility for our own actions. It helps them to feel seen, and it helps repair the rift in the relationship. It is actually better for kids to experience this kind of repair than having “the perfect mom.” One, because the perfect mom is fiction, but two, because it teaches them that human beings mess up. Human beings don’t always do the right thing. But human beings can also take responsibility for when we’re wrong and apologize. This teaches them an incredibly valuable lesson and lets them know that, while you won’t ever be perfect, you can always make an effort to make things right.
4. Involve them in planning for next time. After you apologize, you can involve your kids in how you can both do better next time. For example, “I was feeling so frustrated, and I yelled. I shouldn’t have done that. What do you think I can do next time I’m feeling frustrated?” This gives them the opportunity to think about what someone can do when they’re upset, to see that you value their opinion and experience, and to learn about problem solving. It also gives you an opportunity to express what you’d like them to do next time to change their behavior. It’s another part of the repair that is so essential to creating that trusting relationship with our kids.
5. Forgive yourself. This is, perhaps, the most important step. Allow yourself to be human. Show yourself the same forgiveness you show others. Give yourself grace. We all mess up. We all have moments we regret. Remember that allowing yourself to be human teaches your children to do the same. Showing them how to mess up and then repair is an incredibly valuable lesson. Imagine if our children grew up not expecting themselves to be perfect. Imagine the freedom they would feel. Give that to yourself, because you deserve it. Show it to your kids, because they deserve to be human too.
Ask yourself this, what is one thing I can do differently next time I lose it with my kids? Maybe it’s noticing the triggers; maybe it’s focusing on repair. You don’t have to start dealing with everything all at once. Give yourself space to learn, space to try, space to be human. Just try things out. See how it feels. And most of all, don’t be too hard on yourself, okay?
