Parent Empowerment Coaching: Why It Matters
When I was pregnant with my eldest, there were so many changes. My body was expanding and my bones were shifting. I was going to work but beginning to think that the work I was doing might not be right for me as a new mom. Friendships were already changing as my nights out drinking turned into nights in, falling asleep at 8pm and then waking up at 4am ready to deep clean my kitchen. Awaiting the arrival of your first child, however that child may come to you, is a time of huge transition and so much unknown. What kind of parent will I be? Will the birth hurt me so bad I die? What if the adoption falls through? Who in their right mind is letting me become a parent?! Can I still swear? So many questions.
There are questions that I think we all ask ourselves, because the insecurity and anxiety about becoming a parent is one of the most universal things in the world. We all, I would argue, worry about what kind of parent we’ll be, if we’ll be up to the task, what special and as-yet unknown struggles our children will face. It’s one of the truly beautiful things I’ve discovered as a mother: the connection to all other parents I feel when talking about becoming one. The knowing smiles and the commiseration over loss of sleep and identity. It is something that has connected me to people more than I could have imagined.
I love having conversations with other parents; I love hearing their stories and telling them mine and feeling that sense of community from being part of that family of families. It’s no wonder, then, that I’ve found myself wanting to do that all the time. And in these conversations I’ve noticed so many recurring themes and issues that come up, and they all have to do with a feeling of being burnt out, of being disconnected from one’s former, or true self. Parenting naturally comes with a whole host of change and transition. Transitioning into the identity of being a parent. Changing your social life, your work life, your daily routine. Changing feelings about your body and your personality. Changing hormones and how to deal with them without, say, murdering your whole family. And then, once the child is here there is transition after transition, liquids to solid foods, sleep transitions, developmental phases, teething, starting preschool, adding a sibling. Parenting is all about constant change and transition and how to deal with it. In the process of keeping up with all of that change, we can often forget ourselves, forget that we matter, forget to care for our nurture who we really are.
The other thing I’ve found is that the majority of parents, myself included, received little to no help with all that change. Yes, many have been lucky enough to have parents or family or friends or paid help to give naps or do dishes or bring meals (my ode to the meal train is forthcoming), but what about the inside stuff? I remember feeling once I was pregnant that many people in my life now only saw the baby and not me. There were people who actually said hello to my belly before they acknowledged me. Sure, I was making a tiny human but I was still a human too. When the baby is born everyone wants to hold them and cuddle them. But you know what? I needed holding and cuddling too!
When I was pregnant the idea of becoming a mother was terrifying to me. I wanted to understand that, to know what that meant. But I didn’t know where to go, or who to talk to. I myself have a very complicated relationship with my mother, and didn’t feel comfortable turning to her for guidance or comfort. And even if I had, we don’t all want to hear the inevitable advice that mothers or other family members can be prone to giving. After I had my baby there was so much going on with just keeping her alive, it felt like all of my feelings and needs went straight out the window. Often it feels like they’re still flying out there and I’m only now grasping at them and bringing them back into focus one by one.
Bringing a child into your life is beautiful. It’s also exhausting, and terrifying, and confusing, and it rips you apart (sometimes physically). In my experience, and in talking with other parents, there is a huge lack of support for parents, both when they’re expecting, and during all of the many changes and transitions parenthood has to offer. That’s why I have decided to use my training and skills to do something about it, and that’s where Parent Empowerment Coaching comes in.
Coaching is all about helping a person use their own strengths and capabilities to take their lives wherever they want to go. It’s about providing partnership, active listening, and perspective shifting questions to people who are feeling ready for a change in their lives. Parent Empowerment Coaching (PEC) does all of that, but specifically for parents and/or caregivers, who often have specific needs and obstacles. The PEC coach is focused on the parent, not the cute baby or child, with zero judgement and open ears. They listen openly to whatever the parent is experiencing and help the parent set attainable goals that are meaningful to them. Empowerment Coaching is rooted in the simple yet powerful philosophy that parents are human beings with equal value as their children, who have important needs, dreams, and goals, and that these humans deserve to have someone on their side supporting them along the way. Whether it’s making that transition into the identity of parenthood, adapting to a new life with a child, or managing the ups and downs of life as a parent in general, a PEC coach can be the support and understanding a parent needs to maintain their own sense of self and importance through it all.
There is this myth, steeped in patriarchy, that caring for yourself or focusing on your own wants and needs somehow makes you a “bad” parent. This is particularly true for parents who identify as female, who have, in our culture, been raised to see nurturing as synonymous with self-sacrifice. I have felt this time and again as a mother myself. I know so many parents who joke about their lack of sleep, lack of showers, inability to make time for self-care, exercise, etc. That’s because they always subjugate their needs for their children’s. We often feel that if we don’t, we will be judged by our families, our communities, ourselves.
Yes, children are the most important thing to us. Yes, their needs must be met and they must be cherished and parented with the best we have. But parents are people too. Parents need to feel like they are important too, that what they say and do and think matters. There is a reason that self-actualization is on Mazlow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Sure, it’s not as big as food or shelter, but it is a need, not a want. Humans need to feel that they are living out their purpose, whatever that might be. If we want our children to grow up to believe that they deserve to self-actualize, they must see the process in action. Part of being a “good” parent (and that’s a loaded term in and of itself), is providing an example of the kind of person we want our child to become. If we want our children to grow up to be people who live fulfilling, passionate lives, we have to show them how it’s done.
When I decided that sacrificing myself for my children wasn’t working for me, that I needed to listen to the voice inside that was asking for more, it was the turning point in my life. The day I started to lean into my passions and my right to have needs was the first day of my journey to becoming a coach (and a mom who isn’t always burnt out!). I had to do it on my own, though, and it wasn’t easy. That is why I developed my own style of parent coaching. I don’t want other parents to have to go through that process alone. I want to be provide a partnership that supports parents as they move from burnout to fulfillment.
Parent Empowerment Coaching helps the parent take some time out to focus completely on their own goals and dreams. It gives them the space to refocus on what will make them a happier, more centered human being. Goals are created together and based only on what the parent wants for their lives, not what society, family, or anyone else might think they are supposed to want. The parent has space to dream, to plan, and then someone to provide support, encouragement, and gentle accountability along the way.
Parents often feel that their needs, goals, and happiness don’t matter. Not only do I feel that this is not true on a deep, personal level, but there is a plethora of research to support the fact that happy, fulfilled parents provide a safer, and more loving environment for their children. If you are a parent, you deserve to have your needs met, to be a separate person, to have your own goals and aspirations, whatever they may be. Parenting can make you lose sight of that so very quickly. I want to help parents get it back. Because if one day you wake up and realize you don’t know yourself as well as you’d like, and you love your children so much but maybe you’re not living a life that feels full to you, you deserve to have some of the focus on you. So reach out the window, grab onto those parts of yourself you may have flung aside, and let’s get to work!
You deserve it!
