Do We Have to Sacrifice Ourselves to Serve Others?

My dad’s side of the family had an ethos that was very strongly burrowed into my being: to leave wherever you go better than you found it. This meant that when I went camping with my grandparents, we would always find extra trash to pick up. My grandmother, her hair covered with a kerchief, would even sweep the dirt under the picnic table at the campsite. It also, however, meant you needed to leave the world a better place than you found it. In general, I think this is an excellent way to move through your life, to always see how you can improve the lives of others. I am so grateful for the love and care my grandparents and my father have shown every space they have moved through.

I can also see, now that I’ve lived with this expectation my whole life, how it can make you feel like you are never quite doing enough. That if you take time to care for and heal yourself, you are taking time away from healing the world. I’m of two minds about it, really, because I find the idea of rugged individualism incredibly damaging to our society. I think that we are all living in an interconnected, interrelated community, and that how we live our lives inevitably impacts others, no matter how much we think that we are “minding our own business.”

So, if we are people that want to make sure to care for our neighbor, to care for the world, to speak out when we see injustice, and to fight for justice in the world, how do we also care for ourselves? I come from a family of people who have spent their lives fighting for other people. One thing I learned coming from a family of consummate helpers is that sometimes when you are saving the world, you’re ignoring the deserving child within yourself, or in your own home. I have always wanted to do good for the world, to help others, I know that this is an important part of who I am. I have also always known that I wanted to have children, and that I never wanted them to feel like I cared more about the world outside our home, then the world inside of them.  

What I didn’t realize until I had children, was that I myself deserve to not self-sacrifice. Yes, I have an obligation to the world. Yes, I have an obligation to my children. I also have an obligation to myself. It took me over 30 years to realize that not everything I do has to be validated by being for the benefit of someone else. That it is not selfish to prioritize my own health, my own sanity, my own wellbeing. This is partly because of the family in which I was raised, but it is also a part of growing up in society as a woman in general. Women are socialized to be constantly of service to everyone; they are not socialized at all to care for themselves. This is what Emily Nagoski, PhD and Amelia Nagoski, DMA call “Human Giver Syndrome” in their fabulous book Burnout. This isn’t just opinion, it’s backed by research and data. In this case, I was doubly trained to ignore my own needs and to feel discomfort with prioritizing them. 

Now that I do have children, it is a struggle not to completely let go of my own interests and needs. There is so much pressure as a mother to “always put the children first.” We are supposed to make sure that they are ok always, whether or not we are. Mothers being okay is almost seen as beside the point, as long as the children are okay. 

I am here to say that we cannot care for the world and our children at the expense of ourselves. I am here to say that in order to care for the world and our children, we have to care for ourselves. Self-sacrifice to the point of burn-out robs us of the ability to both put our mark on the world and actually enjoy the beauty of the world we are living in. Parents have just as much worth as their children. Helpers have just as much worth as those they are helping. We are all important and deserving. To sacrifice ourselves on the altar of altruism does not service the world, it robs the world of the presence of our true, actualized selves. When we care for ourselves, when we fill our own cups, what we have to offer to others is so much more potent and powerful. As renowned theologian and Civil Rights leader Howard Thurman wrote, “don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” 

In all my exploring I am realizing that it is not either or. I don’t have to choose between doing something positive for the world around me and doing the things I need to feel whole and empowered myself. I am constantly learning that the more I feed the parts of myself that make me feel alive, the better I am at being present for my children and engaged in the world around me.

I am making myself and my growth and health a priority, so that the me I share with the world around me is a whole, passionate person.  I believe, as my family taught me, that we have a duty to leave the world better than we found it, and I believe that the way to do that is by finding ways to be present for the world that fill us up. I will not sacrifice the world for my own needs, and I will not sacrifice my own needs for the world. The world and I will work together to care for one another. This means sometimes I have to say, “not right now.” This means I cannot commit to everything. This means I have to schedule blocks of time for the things that bring me joy and meaning. It doesn’t make me selfish; it makes me human. I believe all mothers, all people, deserve this. I believe you deserve this. I am working on myself, always, and I want you to know you have the right to work on you. 

Yes, the world needs you. Yes, your children need you. But they do not need a dry husk that has given everything until there was no more to give. They need a you that is cared for, a you that is fulfilled, a you that is alive. So, I suggest we all do as the wise Mr. Thurman told us, and ask what makes us come alive, and I suggest we start right now.