It’s Time to Thrive: Letting Go of Survival Mode So You Can Live the Life You Want

It would be safe to say that many of us have, in the last year or two, been familiar with “survival mode”. That is, we all know what it’s like to just do whatever it is that we need to do to make it through. Make it through the hour, the day, the year. Those of us who have experienced trauma know this mode well. 

Survival mode is where we live when we feel at constant threat. 

The threat can be imminent and very real (like, say, a new and deadly virus sweeping across the globe), or it can be a feeling that is left over from a threat that has long-since passed. Sometimes we need survival mode. You know, to survive.  

When we are going through trauma, grief, upheaval, etc., survival mode can help us to keep going when living feels almost impossible. The skills we learn to survive are incredibly useful here. Maybe you learned to stay busy so that the anxiety or grief wouldn’t overwhelm you. Maybe you learned to people-please so that your abuser would, perhaps, leave you alone that day. Whatever the survival skills you’ve built, they have served their purpose. 

Often, we think of survival mode as a “bad” thing, but I don’t. In life there are times when we need to just survive; to get through a certain amount of time, or through a situation, until we have the time and space to process, grieve, and heal. Survival tools are incredibly helpful for this.  

The problem arises when we become stuck in survival mode; when the threat has passed, but our constant vigilance has not.

When we are in survival mode our bodies are in an endless state of hyperarousal. We are producing cortisol and adrenaline at a high rate because our bodies feel that they need to be ready to run and hide or fight for survival. This is fine for short periods of time but living in this state for long periods of time does real damage to our mental and physical health. [1]

For those of us who have experienced trauma, but have since created a different life, it can be hard to transcend the feeling that we need to be constantly alert for danger; that the only way to live is to survive. Many of my clients can’t understand why, even as they’ve created these safe lives for themselves, they can’t seem to accept them. They live in fear of “the other shoe dropping”. They feel the need to over perform, or over prepare, or over please in order to feel okay. 

When I hear this from a client, and I know that they’ve experienced some form of trauma in their lives, I suspect that they are living in survival mode when it’s time to thrive. Whatever they survived, the surviving has already happened. 

They are looking for a way to create something more, but they are using the wrong tools. 

Surviving is simply maintaining your existence. Thriving is reveling in your existence. Thriving is grabbing onto every moment of joy, every opportunity for empowerment and growth, and letting it carry you to something greater than you’d ever let yourself imagine. Thriving is living the life that you know you deserve, that you know you can have, if you’d only let yourself live it. 

Moving toward thriving means using thriving tools. Survival tools don’t work here. 

Here’s an example: I want to improve my romantic relationship. My survival tool is to people-please so that I will be liked, and I can keep the peace. This prevents me from being truly vulnerable and keeps me from being treated like an equal partner. 

In this state I cannot improve my relationship. Instead, I can use the thriving tool of assertive and empathic communication.

This tool will help me create a deeper, truer, and more authentic relationship with my partner. Using it might feel scary at first, because I’ve connected people-pleasing with survival. But I’m not trying to just survive in my relationship, I want it to thrive. I want it to blossom and stretch and grow into something more beautiful than I’ve experienced. 

Using a new tool can be scary, because even though our survival skills are born of fear, we have convinced ourselves that we must use them to be safe. 

Right now, though, maybe you already are safe. Maybe using those survival tools is keeping you locked into a kind of living that is limiting. 

If you are reading this and realizing that you are stuck in survival mode, don’t be hard on yourself. You did it! You survived whatever it was that needed surviving. That is huge, and you should be so very proud of yourself. It’s also time to love yourself enough to reach for more. 

The next time you notice yourself using one of those survival skills, ask yourself: “do I need to survive right now, or am I trying to thrive?” If you need to survive, then go right ahead, you’ve got those tools already.

But if you’re ready to thrive, reach for a different tool. 

Here is what one of my clients said after we worked on this together: 

“I have tools to survive. Now that I my survival is not threatened, I need tools to thrive. Biggest ah-ha here though, is that my survival tools aren't bad! They don't need to be judged. They are amazing tools that will always be there if I need them again. I just don't need them now.”

Here are some survival tools and thriving tools you can try instead:

Survival Tool:

People-pleasing

Thriving Tools:

Assertive communication 

Boundary setting

Survival Tool:

Lashing out in anger

Thriving Tools:

Deep breathing 

Assertive communication

Survival Tool:

Freezing and hiding

Thriving Tools:

Taking breaks and rest 

Making plans for how to take your next steps

Survival Tool:

Over scheduling and constant busyness

Thriving Tools:

Mindfulness

Staying in the present moment

Scheduling

Survival Tool:

Self-blame and criticism

Thriving Tools:

Self-acceptance

Self-love

Addressing your inner critic

Mantras

Survival Tool:

Isolating

Thriving Tools:

Allowing space for solitude

Allowing space for being in relationship

Practicing vulnerability

This is by no means an exhaustive list, but you can see how, for every survival tool, there is at least one tool that is more suited to thriving. Think about the tool you’re using, and how it’s serving you. There may be something else that will serve you better. 

You deserve to live a life that far surpasses simply surviving. You deserve every moment of your life, to live it fully and without fear. We all deserve this. We just need the right tools. 

Ready to go from surviving to thriving, but not sure where to start? Coaching can help! Schedule a free Discovery Call with me to see if Coaching with me is right for you.