Letter to Myself as a Brand New Mama

I’ve worked with a lot of new moms, and when I look back at myself as a brand new mama, I think about all of the things I wish I had known. I look at her and see this scared, excited, joyful young woman who has no idea what’s in store for her. I look at her and I’m filled with love for her, sadness for the pain she’ll feel, and excitement for how much she has yet to experience. Here is my letter to that new mama, whose baby just jumped into her world and tore it all apart:

Dear new mama, what a beautiful and terrible day this is. I know you are hurting. I know you are exhausted. I know you are falling in love with that tiny creature in your arms. 

Everyone is giving you advice right now, and it feels pretty overwhelming. Take in what makes sense to you, and politely ignore the rest. Here is what you really need to know. 

You just stepped onto the most difficult and magical ride of your life. There will be days your heart will almost physically hurt from love of this child. There will be days when you can barely get out of bed, when you will doubt if you were built for this motherhood thing. On both of those days, you are a great mom. 

Resist the temptation to strive for perfection. It doesn’t exist. Resist the instinct to internalize the judgments of others. They have nothing to do with you. Focus instead on getting you know YOURSELF as a mother, and not on trying to twist yourself into what anyone else expects of you. 

Guilt may overtake you sometimes. Guilt that you forgot something, did something wrong, weren’t the parent you imagined yourself to be. The parent you imagined isn’t real, she couldn’t possibly survive in the real world. The parent you really are is so much better. Fabulously flawed and honest about her mistakes. Get in touch with the real, true you inside and lean into her. She won’t steer you wrong. 

Give yourself rest. Give yourself grace. Remind yourself of your worth as a human being, even when you don’t believe it, even when others might try to take it away from you. It is always there. 

I know right now all you care about is that tiny human being ok. You want everything for her. If you’re going to get that, you need to be ok too. She will be watching you. She will be learning from you what it means to be a grown up. Whatever life you want for her, create it for yourself. Care for yourself, and she’ll learn exactly how that’s done. 

You will have days when you feel so alone, but you don’t have to be. Reach out, find your community. Take that baby class, go to that playgroup, say yes to that support group. Your parenting buddies will save you. They will commiserate with you, listen to you, validate you, and pick you up when you’re down on yourself. Ask for help, demand your share of rest, joy, and fulfillment. You deserve it.

When the day comes that you realize being a mama isn’t enough for you, know that this doesn’t mean you don’t love your kids. It means you also love yourself, your gifts, your calling. Know that it is the next step in your evolution as a human. You are allowed to grow and change. Your kids will watch you rediscover your passion and be better for it. 

Smell that baby head. Cuddle her warm body. Yes, you’ll have laundry to do, but that cuddle time is so fleeting. Laundry is forever. Allow yourself time to just be; be with her, be alone, be at rest, be at play. You don’t always have to be doing. 

Mama, welcome to your new life. Today it seems unfathomable, but I promise you will make it through. All your life you’ve made it through. This time, you won’t only survive, you’ll learn to thrive. Let yourself feel the fears, sadnesses, joys and pains. You are ready. You are powerful. You are whole. You got this. 

Me with my Eliana, the day she was born.