Standing up to Grown-Ups, So Kids Can Be Kids

We all know the feeling. You’re around people. Your kid starts doing something that the other grown-ups don’t like. They’re being loud. They say something like “I don’t like you! I only like Paw Patrol!”. They hit their sibling. They are being, dare I say it, childish. You have that combined feeling of exhaustion and shame because, not only do you now have to deal with the behavior, but you also have to deal with the opinions and judgements of the people around you.

When my daughter was three (the worst age so far, in my opinion), I had to deal with this scenario a ton. My children, both of them, are intense humans. They have big feelings, and lots of them, and they aren’t afraid to show them. I have no idea where they get that from (jk, it’s me). Perhaps this has made parenting them slightly more difficult, but I have to say that I love this about them. They are feeling people, and they aren’t afraid to be. I grew up in a household in which my feelings weren’t always honored in that way, so the fact that my children feel safe and comfortable expressing big, strong, wild emotions feels really good to me (in theory if not always in practice).

My daughter would often have emotional meltdowns; big, big feelings that required some special attention. This would sometimes become a nuisance to various (unnamed) adults, who would make comments about her behavior, and how their children never behaved that way (great for you!!!). So here I am, not only having to try to calm the feelings of a raging threenager, keep myself calm while said threenager is screaming in my face, but also deal with the judgement and disdain of people who are supposed to love my child unconditionally.

With my son, who is, as I write this, on the precipice of four (dear god let it get better from here!), it has been similar, though he has added the lovely addition of hitting his sister to the mix. He has had the great luck of doing pretty much his entire third year in quarantine with no other kids his own age, and with parents who are trying their best to maintain some semblance of normalcy in the most abnormal time of our lives. I say this because, perhaps he is allowed to not behave perfectly given what he’s been going through.

Perhaps, in fact, all children deserve the freedom to behave like, I don’t know, children! Each stage of childhood has its own beauties and challenges, and it is my belief that each child deserves the space to go through these without guilt and shame. As a mother, am I always perfect in this? No, of course not. Perfection doesn’t exist, but I try to remind myself daily that they are not, in fact, tiny and adorable adults, but children whose brains are going through massive developmental shifts and that it is my job, as their grown up, to create a safe space for them while they grow.

But what happens when other adults whom they love, and who love them, shame children for being children? What are we, as their parents, supposed to do then? This has been, for me, one of the most difficult parts of parenting. Not dealing with the children’s growing pains but dealing with the opinions and shaming of the people around us as we manage them. The thing is, most of these people don’t mean to do anything wrong. They love my kids; adore them in fact. They do, I believe, mean well. Yet when they make comments about how their children never behaved that way, or make shaming comments directly to the children, the impact is the same. And impact matters, much more than intent. The intent goes away, but the impact remains.

This is why I have, since the day my children were born, been loud and clear about standing up for their rights as tiny humans. They are not miniature adults, they are children, and not only do they deserve to behave and grow as children, they also deserve to have at least one adult who stands between them and anyone who would deny them that space. It creates room for them to grow, it shows them that they deserve to be supported, and that I will always have their back.

Let’s use this age-old example: your child does not want a kiss from an adult family member. The family member goes in for a kiss, the kid pulls away and says “no”, but the adult, with their superior strength and sense of entitlement, pulls them in and forces a kiss on them. This is, or so we’ve been raised to believe, what the older members of our family are due. I think most of us parents can remember being forced into this kind of embrace as children, and I don’t think anyone remembers it fondly. It has been clearly shown since I was a kid that, in fact, allowing this type of behavior hampers our ability to teach about consent, and contributes to a child’s sense of not being able to say “no” to unwanted touch.

Now, do these family members mean to do anything harmful? Of course not! They love the kids and want to form connection, to show and receive affection from children that they adore. Most, I would argue, haven’t learned that, since they were raising their own children, gains have been made in our understanding of the impact of how we interact with children and how they see their ownership over their own and other’s bodies. So, it is my job, as my children’s grown up, to explain this and set boundaries with the adults who will be around my kids. Sounds simple, doesn’t it?

The problem is, I don’t want to create conflict or hurt anyone’s feelings! I want to have a nice, happy time just like anyone else. But I’m not just anyone else, I’m my kids’ mother. As their mother I am their defender, their protector, their example. So, when an adult does something that hampers their ability to grow and develop as healthy humans, I speak up. Even though its uncomfortable; even though it strains the relationship with those adults. More than being liked, more than being accepted, I strive to be an example for my kids. I would not have them watch me be silent while they are being ignored, hurt, guilted, or shamed. I want them to learn to communicate assertively and respectfully and stand up for their boundaries. I know, both from my life and from the research that this will benefit their overall mental health in the long run.

This may mean that I am considered a troublemaker, someone who can’t just go along to get along. This may mean that some other grown-ups might not like me as much as they used to. I can’t lie and say that those moments aren’t painful for me. I’m a person, and I want love and acceptance as much as anyone. But what I want most of all is to live in my integrity, and to have my children watch me live in it, so that one day they will too. When I weigh that against anything else, I know I’m doing the right thing.

Here’s what I tell myself during these times: my children have a right to be children, and it is my job to parent them, not the adults around them. I remind myself that, as long as I’m communicating respectfully and assertively, I am in my integrity. This helps me.

So, then next time your child acts up around judgy grown-ups, remind yourself that the grown-ups aren’t your responsibility, and know that as you make that scary move to stand up for your children, they are watching and learning. They are learning that they are worth standing up for, that they are loved and honored, and that they will have the strength to do the same one day for the children in their lives. And if no one else in your circle supports you in doing this, know that I do, and I’ve got your back.