Boundaries: They Do a Body Good
So here’s the deal: if you work with me as a Coach, you’re probably going to end up talking to me about boundaries. Very rarely is there a topic that always comes up with every client, because each client has their own needs and wants and goals, and each client uses different strengths to get there. What I can tell you, though, is that I have yet to work with anyone who didn’t need to make boundaries a part of their work with me.
We all have different ideas of what boundaries we need, and we’re all at different levels when it comes to setting and implementing them. Boundaries are the limits you set on what you will and will not accept, do, and take responsibility for. There are boundaries you set with others, and boundaries you set within yourself. When I was in my early twenties, I had almost zero boundaries. I took on everyone else’s emotions as my own, I took ownership over everyone else’s issues, I allowed myself to be guilt tripped and manipulated, and I also didn’t have the right boundaries when it came to what I shared or expected from others. Over the years I, first of all, learned what boundaries actually are, and started to build them up one by one. I grew up in a family with very few boundaries, so this was difficult for me. But once I began, I was amazed at the change in my life.
Becoming a mother turned boundaries into a whole different ball game, let me tell you. Not only did I have my own personal boundaries as a new mother, but I then had to create a set for this tiny human it was my job to protect. And these boundaries for her were intertwined with my own issues, my own insecurities, my own well-being. Setting boundaries as a new parent can be really quite terrifying because you’re new to this, and so many other people have been parents when you have not. It can feel strange to tell someone with adult children, or your own parents, that you know what is best for your baby when you’re a new parent and they’re old pros.
As a mother I have had to set endless boundaries, and I continue to have to set them. What I will allow said in front of my children, what I will allow them to be fed, how I will be spoken to, what behaviors I am not okay with. As a daughter of someone with a mental health problem I have had to work very hard to set boundaries, and I can tell you that I have a better relationship with that parent than I ever imagined I would. I have also had to set boundaries with myself about how much I will give, how much I will share, and what I will do for myself and others.
Whatever your situation, setting boundaries can be really hard to navigate. We are programmed not to hurt people’s feelings, not to demand too much, not to be “difficult”. To step out of that training and demand a certain kind of treatment and behavior from others, particularly others with whom there is a power dynamic, is a daunting task. For those of us who have what Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski call “Human Giver Syndrome” or “the contagious belief that you have a moral obligation to give every drop of your humanity in support of others, no matter the cost to you”, this can feel close to impossible. Those of us who were raised female in a Patriarchal society will feel this particularly deeply.
Why should we set boundaries in our lives? I’m here to tell you, it’s worth the initial discomfort. You cannot live a true, actualized, authentic life without healthy boundaries. Without them, you will constantly be in a state of worry or guilt or enmeshment with others. Think about a relationship where you feel resentment and imagine what it would feel like to have healthy, strong boundaries with that person. Feeling resentful of others is corrosive, and the only way out of it is to create, communicate, and maintain healthy boundaries. Our ability to set boundaries comes from our belief that we deserve to be treated with a basic level of respect, and that our sense of well-being deserves our own protection. Boundaries are also key to preventing and addressing burnout in our lives. They allow us to hold space for our own humanity.
So that is where we start; we begin by reminding ourselves (or telling ourselves for the very first time) that we deserve to have boundaries, that it is absolutely not shameful to protect ourselves from abuse, gaslighting, manipulation, or mistreatment. We remind ourselves that we deserve space and grace as much as any other human in the world. As Brené Brown reminds us, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”
How do we know we need to set a boundary? We know when we feel ourselves being uncomfortable, angry, guilty, hurt, or encroached upon by another person. We know when we’ve become burnt out and resentful. Sometimes it’s easy to tell, sometimes its more complicated. Maybe you have a family in which you are the person that always has to plan everything, and you start to notice that it’s wearing you down and making you resentful. That resentment is your clue. Maybe you have a friend who constantly asks for things that you just can’t give, and you feel both guilt at having to say “no”, and discomfort at being put into that position in the first place. Those feelings of guilt and discomfort are your clues. Follow the feelings and see from whence they came.
Once you know a boundary needs to be set, take some time to think about the behavior that you want to see. Of course, it’s important to be clear about what you don’t want, but we sometimes forget to include how we actually do want people to behave toward us. It’s not only, “I don’t want to be the only one planning every holiday”, it’s also “I would love if you would pick a holiday to plan so that it isn’t on my plate every year.” Not only does this make it more likely that the boundary will be clear, but putting boundaries in that positive language can make them easier for the recipient to hear as well. Our culture also has a huge impact on how we see and set boundaries, and it is really important to take that into account and set boundaries in a way that is in alignment with your cultural values as well as your personal ones. Only you can figure out exactly what that looks like (though a Coach really can help).
Practice and then communicate the boundary. Yes, practice. It can be scary to tell someone that you don’t like how they’re behaving, and when something is scary, we need to practice it. I do this in session with clients a lot. It can feel silly, but practicing, either with a coach or a friend or partner, can help you to understand exactly what you want to say, and make it more likely that you’ll actually follow through. Once you’re ready, communicate the boundary with compassion and strength. Do it when you’re calm, and don’t allow for argument. This is your boundary, you are communicating it, that’s it. Remember that you deserve to have your boundaries respected, and if someone is bothered by that it is a reflection of their own need for boundaries, and not your responsibility. As Anne Lammott said, “no is a complete sentence.”
Allow the person on the other end to have feelings. Half of setting boundaries is telling someone else you need them to change their behavior, and the other half is accepting within yourself that you cannot control their feelings about it. Most of our need for boundaries is connected to a deep sense of needing others to be okay, for them to never be angry or sad because of us. It comes from a need to control in order to feel safe. If we can control the feelings of others with our own behaviors, we can be safe from anger, or from being abandoned. The thing is, we can never control the feelings of others, and the more we try to bend ourselves into pretzels trying, the more our need to control grows. It’s exactly that need that creates a situation where boundaries are sorely lacking. All we have control over is our own behaviors and how we move through the world. Remind yourself that as long as your boundary is healthy and within your values, then the feelings of the other person are their own responsibility. You can have empathy with them, but what you cannot do is subjugate your own emotional health to make someone else comfortable.
Maintain and reinstate your boundaries as needed. There may be people with whom you have to communicate a boundary over and over. Just do that and keep it simple. For example: “I need to be spoken to with respect. That’s the only way I’ll communicate with you.” Over and over, until they get it. For most, they’ll learn to respect your boundaries. Those who respect you will listen to you. For those who are chronic boundary crossers, that boundary crossing is teaching you about who they are, and you’ll have to make a decision about how much you can engage with them. Remember your worth, remember the kind of life you want to have. It’s worth it.
Is setting and maintaining boundaries easy? Not always. Is it worth it? Oh yes. I can’t tell you how much less I argue, hold in resentments, make snide remarks, and put judgments on others since I started setting boundaries in my life. We get to decide how we want to be treated. We get to decide the kind of relationships we want to have. Sure, it can feel scary to set the boundaries, but once they are set there is a lightness, a freedom that comes from knowing we are safe; that we are our own best protector. You don’t have to start big, you can start with one step, one boundary, however small. Dip your toe in and see how it feels to set yourself free.
If you need help, I’m always here.
